This morning I awoke with a crudgy feeling. This means I felt like grrrrr, I don’t want to get up.
I lay there a minute contemplating what to do–it was 6:30, do I go back to sleep, make coffee, write…? And then I recalled an odd dream last night in which me and Mandy, my best girlfriend back home in Maryland, were in a teeny spacecraft flying through the desert and ran out of gas.
I didn’t connect that the dream had to do with my mood but I did, with a sorta resentful-tinged eyeroll, decide to spend my morning the way I often do: with some quiet time. I chose this for one reason today: because at school part of our homework is to keep a dream journal and like all other things in my life, resistance to discipline almost always means I am on the edge of a breakthrough.
Later in my dream I wound up at a concrete street corner at a stop light with Shannon, Mandy and I’s mutual friend. We were watching Mandy be driven away in the back of an old station wagon. She was pulling her daughter in through the window.
Because I keep a dream journal and showed up to it this morning, I had a quiet softening occur today. That street corner felt bad to me, the whole dream did. In soul work we don’t resist feelings, we always recognize them as messengers. So I sat gently, waiting to see what good medicine sat behind that bad feeling. All of a sudden I deepened in, meaning the message opened to me. I have dreamed of a similar setting, back home either in Baltimore, DC, or in North Anne Arundel County at least five times that I can recall since the beginning of the year.
Steven Aizenstat, in his book (and in person, when I got to study with him at Pacifica three weeks ago!) suggests that rather than analyze a symbol, we ask it what is your message, who are you, why are you here? He also says to always pay attention to the visitor of the surrounding landscape. I did so of the street corner today, and literally in my mind’s eye it re-focused in on the red neon all around. Of the bars, the buildings and street lights.
There is a quietude deep inside that I have learned to know from meeting myself where I am in the morning. From always committing to make time for this (by which I mean that when I stop making time for this, I eventually return again, and again, and again. Without judging that I fell off, again.) In my quiet place today, once I saw that red neon, a soft understanding arose. The concrete is your soul, the guilt is the red.
And like that I understood: this dream, and all of the city symbols, have been asking me to understand more about my own deepest programs around “Wild Women Wisdom”. The symbol of red neon, as I associate it, means STOP, and also RED LIGHT DISTRICT. A symbol showing me my own deep, classic old-conditioning around soul-wisdom.
Recall that the soul’s symbol is the Feminine. Like all humans I too have deep programming against use or reliance on this wisdom. The symbols or visitors in my dream last night were two close friends from the past (girls who were “wild” with me in our youth!) and the red lights suggested that soul-wisdom is to be shamed. That shame is causing all this concrete to cement me in.
So today’s meditation on soul and Symbol is just that: in quiet time we meet ourselves where we are at, wheter we feel bad, good, nothingness, or someplace in between…And we ask each symbol, be it a feeling, a scene from a dream, whatever symbol: what is your message? Who is visiting right now? And then we are gentle and open as we listen.
Today starts Mercury retrograde. Retrograde means the planet pauses in its movement.
Mercury was Roman God. His symbol covers communication, prosperity and the underworld–which is a symbol for the inner world or the soul world.
Remember that soul-life always starts with how we relate firstly to ourselves. Meaning Mercury pauses so we can review within.
Retrogrades in Mercury happen four times a year, each time right around (before or after) a seasonal shift.
The purpose is to hold the tension of forward movement so that the soul can review the season that just passed.
Mercury retros feel funky, unless we are working with the energy (working with the message). We do this by not resisting the funk but sitting with it, so it can lead us in to a deeper personal understanding within.
This happens in preparation for Spring, and catalyzes the growth of all new things you are meant to give birth to this year once Mercury starts its movement again after the second week of March.
Check back in Monday for more. Happy Weekend, and upcoming full moon!
6 Comments Add yours
I love you Kelly and your amazing creative thinking. Shameful?! We have lived wild and crazy as every young person dreams of! Slowly but surely we have blossomed into wonderful semi law-abiding beautiful women or “grown-ups with an edge”. I wouldnt change it for the world as every circumstance in life has been a series of stepping stones. I miss you like crazy:)
love you grl! and thank you, so much, for reading and for being such a good-hearted friend that it was you that stood with me in my dream as i realized what i had to about my ollllld old ideas!
thank god for having edge, that’s where all change comes from you know? having edge, or being out on the edge makes me think of: ‘only those who risk going too far ever know how far they can go~’ MISS YOU, too, mama!
Insightful ! !
I, for one, am grateful the teenage growing years have passed and I have seen you and your friends blossom into lovely adults. It pleases me to hear you relating to how then, is helping, Now. Love the saying when the “student is ready the teacher will arrive.” It seems the student is also becoming the teacher for those that are ready. With much love from me to you.
undoubtedly: teaching is how i learn. it’s how i process out the information i take in so that knowledge can eventually become skill. does that make sense? also, i am glad we had you back then as a steady force inside our changing grounds. love you mom!
Kelly, I am grateful that you sharing your wild women with us. Thank you. I also feel immense appreciation to have you, along with all the other ants, in my life.
i feel so very much of the same bri–i miss you guys! it feels like years! thanks for commenting, wild woman!