Ever thought about those truths that you know, but don’t actually really acknowledge to yourself? I mean they range, right? Like maybe eating m&ms every afternoon on your break is the reason your energy dips an hour later and your body knows as much but you never really stopped to consider the truth of it. Or maybe–a page out of my book–the guy your seeing isn’t going anywhere ultimately and you ignore the little voice because it feels good right now.
So to me that’s life. I used to call this operating with one-eyed blind, the idea that sometimes our truths include little part-lies. I’d go as far as to say the best function of consciousness is being honest about the lie, accepting it best we can without judgment. To some extent that is a very Buddhist concept that has to do with witnessing and non-attachment. Then there’s being a student of Carl Jung, so that now I can say for certain that everything we know about human nature confirms it: being half-aware of our own little lies is not only just what us humans do, but is actually the way towards maturity and free-thinking, or what the New Ageys might call consciousness. Because moving the awareness to full instead of half takes the power out of it and frees up mental energy.
Today I left Laura to come to this little side-alley cafe and write. And since there’s this one truth more than half out now I am stuck here thinking about. Wishing my one-eyed blindness were as simple as just the guy this time. Recognizing, when she pointed it out to me, a truth my body has known, that my nights often wake me up with, that comes out in little thought lapses here and there when I am not otherwise paying attention. It’s hard when other people see our little half-lies before we totally have. But that’s Laura’s job. To point those things out when I’m actually fighting the readiness to see.
I am ready to look. It’s exhausting me trying to not.
Thankfully one thing I know, one of the only things I’ve ever truly known for sure, is that what we pull up and out of our dark is the work that matters, what I’ve termed in the past the real work. The only work, said the poet diPrima. What we don’t work out we act out, and since Soul is limitless we are confronted daily with new opportunities for this. Whether or not we meet ourselves is the only true choice at the end of the day and our real potential relies on our capacity for confronting and integrating the endless layers within.
It’s just hard sometimes, and catches up with you, you know, if it’s been a while and you’ve been on the run.