Something is happening.

Out of nowhere yesterday I made the decision to detox off social media.

Maybe not out of nowhere

On a recent trip to the local coffee shop I showed up to the knee deep crackle sound of beans fresh roasting, and ohh god the smell.  So potent it ballooned my lungs and still sat on my skin.  So rich I felt foreign.  Exotic in my own town.  I forgot my phone at home that day, entirely on accident. Maybe it was the delight of the unexpected whim of those beans roasting, or the good book I’d brought to read, but the freedom and space I had to just be still in that place, with just me…  It didn’t once cross my mind to miss my phone.  In fact, it actually occurred to me how nice it was to have a break.  Later, across the street, I walked the low tide line and had a million miracle moments, each which required presence–with the talking talk of the sea, the low hang of the eeeking grey sky.  The hop hop hop of sea birds.  Not once did any of that get interupted by the desire to capture it in image form on my phone, or paused by my rush to check email.  It was the most alive I’ve been.

My battery was dead when I got back to my car.  Back inside in the coffee shop I had to use the landline to call Triple A.  The landline. I got to know the newest barista as result, and found myself lost in the pages of my Paris Review.  It was so simple.  So awesome.

My god, 6th street summer in 1995 we relied on instinct and pay phones.  We followed the tide of the sea out our door.  We wore nonstop barefeet.

There’s something to this.

So I guess it makes sense that yesterday a brick wall sprung up that I didn’t actually think I saw coming.  First, I thought about Riot Grrrl and boarding houses, about the whole reason I’m in grad school and secret dreams I never share.  Next thing I knew it was there, the wall, me thinking I’m so over it, and not even being able to force myself to look at my feed on Facebook.  I ex’d it out on my laptop, put on It’s Always Sunny.  Pulled out my paints and colored pencils and got messy with colors, drew.  Sat a long time with something that’s been asking me to listen, to sit still with, since this time last week.

Later I deleted the Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter apps from my phone.  I don’t know how long this will last.  Maybe only a couple days?  But today, the few times Instatwitface did cross my mind, it was followed by an immediate feeling of relief.  Because as long as I don’t want to, I don’t have to mess with it.

In the rounded feeling of peace and quiet space that leaves, came this song today, as I was getting on the 5.

I had a straight up spiritual experience the first time I ever heard it.  When it came on shuffle today, it sorta happened again.  Tears, and the feeling of mist and morning sun. All us silly people, rushing and pushing along.  Something is happening.  I don’t know what it is.  I’m showing up though.  Because for sure, it’s something I don’t want to miss.

2 Comments Add yours

  1. A lovely evocation of the power of paying attention Kelly, I hope you continue to find that space.

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