So much more to go

I think back on cabin time, that last night with the silver moon under the spring born trees. We’d had that miraculous equinox together under the old growths at the Susquehanna basin only days before, then because I took off for my birthday week finally for the first time in so very many months I packed my truck up with just me and on my own, got away. 48 hours of bliss. I was terrified it would be my very last time alone, just for me. I still am. Delaware Laura was there, one of only two other inhabited cabins, her first real words to me were about how it was impossible on Delmarva to truly get away. I didn’t take it personal, knew exactly what she meant, and we both were finessing about giving each other true space.

somewhere on delmarva, equinox week 21

For me it was an Omen though, one of the two sentients in my life remarkable as pillars of Independence, Baltimore and/or Delaware Laura. Two women who held space in the deeply private practically rebel at our age category ‘not interested in being a mom.’ That she was there, an initiation for me. Indeed that’s what I was there to do, too… I was something like 6 months pregnant. Not a change, to become a momma, that I ever welcomed prior, in fact I too had long been firmly in the camp of not ever wanting bio children of my own. I had come there to reckon.

On Friday I woke up after two nights and listening there to the cypresses and loblollies, the hollies and tulip poplars, the swamp marshes pond and creeks. Listen-feeling to the crackling fire and most of all, the mama moon speak. I had set my alarm Fri morn with just enough time to clean, pack my truck and get a shower, then I followed the back roads across the state line to the county north of mine. We met there, him and I, and saw our house for the very first time. We walked the Land first, since that’s what I’d been looking for long before I decided to welcome a child. Not a house, but Land for the Free School. We kept having to close our jaws and I would just nod, or shake my head in disbelief at Sally my realtor who I met a decade ago in a different life when we both waited tables at the Tall Pines on the Bay. When we finally walked inside and got a moment to ourselves in a room off to the side, he wrapped his arms around me from behind and I could feel the sprocket of tears move from his heart into mine. I can’t say at all that in that moment we knew, but I can for sure say it was the moment we wanted stronger than anything else to be able to call this place Home.

h o m e, june 21

Like I said, that was Equinox week and settlement took so long and so did packing three teenagers bc he is already hardcore a fulltime dad, and all the baby stuff, and me, a very pregnant almost mom. We didn’t move until last weekend, the Solstice. A whole season we walked through and into the real beginnings of all the change together. Then last Monday for Solstice Moon the women’s mysteries circle was here, there was so much rejoicing and tears, we met around the brick pit that was already on the Land awaiting us, the same one I have legit seen in my head since I started really going into the DreamTime or Sacred Imaginal space all the way back in 2003. It is an understatement to say how frequently the only power I have these days is to weep. In surrender of fear in joy, in terror gratitude, stunned whimsy or emotional pain~ So it was right for them to witness all of that, the Land, and yes, pregnant me.

This morning after sunrise but before she was up all the way over the tree line, the disseminating moon was out in the morning sky and the hush way she spoke in and out from behind the fast going clouds. I lent her my eye so she’d give me hers laying there in the wet dew drawing her down. Telling all my truths. Woodpecker came, who reminds me to keep and trust the beat, so I called in my one special guide and still laying there took a long time to Sing out through my Drum.

She’ll be here, I’d say in under a week? But what do I know. As much as I know my body this is one area I am willing to not know, again and again. Almost every day I pick and arrange old bottles full of wild flowers from right out my back door. Greet and feed and water the muscovy duckies and their new sweet ducklings that live in the outbuildings along the treeline edge, walk barefoot a lot and feel and listen and sit on or with the Land, and of course, unpack. Also, how I love cooking in my new home, and for the first time in two years, falling asleep and waking up with him in our very own room.

We’ve come far in a single season. A day at a time now, steady, for there is still so much more to go